My Heart Pounded: Tax Free Love

tax free I could feel anxiety creeping in, I’m pretty sure I closed my eyes to steady my breathing, albeit my heart pounded.

Twitter exchange. Know what guys, I began to enjoy the freedom of dating and discovery, I hated being single in LA. That’s when he came along. Whenever causing heart flutters I hadn’t experienced in a long time, From there, he DMed me. Needless to say, I decided it was time, after a moment. Now regarding the aforementioned fact… When I moved back to the Midwest, I thought I was in a perfect place to date. With that said, my hands didn’t shake. Amidst the f boys and bad dates, brief flings and amazing conversations, To be honest I learned a lot about myself. For the first time in the six talking months to him, tears didn’t sting my eyes.

Our phone calls were long and languid, full of ‘self disclosures’ and laughter, like all online to offline conversations. He was exactly what I had been looking for. It was easy. Considering the above said. It felt so right. So, the conversation type Jill Scott sings about. Then, he was smart, funny and a ‘selfproclaimed’ Blerd. Fact, this was different. In my excitement and haze, I was open and vulnerable with him and the people I love the most. Of course we launched into a comfortable rhythm of texting and talking no topic was off limits. Every word he said fell on my ears and melted into my heart. He was different. Truth is. In the past, To be honest I didn’t share who I was interested in as I knew it wasn’t real and wouldn’t last.

Something strange happened. Panicked that I had been ghosted, I hit him up. He disrupted our flow. ‘text etiquette’ is everything, as much as we don’t need to admit it. He was cool as a cucumber no, scratch that, he was cold reticent. Like our previous exchanges never happened. Nothing for almost two days. In this overlyconnected day and age, so that’s the equivalent of walking away in the middle of a ‘face to face’ conversation. You can find more info about this stuff on this site. We were in the middle of a text versation about female MCs and Hip Hop when he stopped responding.

Fuck, By the way I thought to myself. He was reluctant and confused by my reaction but ultimately, said that he was used to coming and going as he pleased. Essentially, in the middle of a conversation! He went from texting/talking with such comfort and ease to casting me off like I was an annoying stranger. The actual question is. Who was this guy? This wasn’t identical person as before.

This push/pull, hot/cold, certain/ambivalent act lasted for six months.

What I wanted didn’t matter. The only way I could keep his attention was by asking a series of questions about him. This shift in energy hurt my feelings but I liked him so I convinced myself that the pain I was feeling was okay necessary even. Desperate not to lose him, By the way I adjusted to what he wanted. Otherwise, he’d vanish, never reciprocating the interest, During these moments, he was as present as a child on the first day of school. Now please pay attention. We’d have indepth, passion filled conversations consequently no communication and or interest for weeks. Real that this shift kept me on egg shells, unfortunately, we started so strong, Looking back, had we started off on this erratic pattern, I actually would’ve been used to it.

He could roam in and out of my life like an outdoor cat.

We’d go on like that for a few weeks until the discomfort became should go one of two ways. Whenever accusing me of overwhelming him, words or he’d get upset. Notice that either way, I’d back down, afraid that he’d walk away.

Why was I invested a lot in someone who didn’t care enough to meet me half way? Why was I ignoring my own needs to fulfill his? Better, is that the case? Consequently, why did I feel like the pain he caused was the tax I had to pay to get my Dream Blerd? During one of his disappearing acts, I began asking myself the tough questions. Better yet, have I always been this girl, am I correct? Why didn’t I reckon I deserved more? Consistent? Normally, when did I become this girl, am I correct? Why did I take the time to discover him and allow him the privilege of not discovering me, this is the case right?

Whenever ignoring the truth, They should show their disinterest in me, d see it and forge ahead.

LA. That I’d get this wonderful man whose words and actions would finally line up, That their withholding should prove to be worth it. Healed. Truth was…I didn’t have a healthy relationship with my father. It was a sad pattern. He if he was around. So this behavior manifested in my romantic relationships. Maybe I wasn’t good enough, So if he didn’t have time for me. So this behavior manifested in my romantic relationships. It morphed and evolved into the idea that I had to pay a pain tax for love. Somehow I was worth being thought about, So if he was around. It morphed and evolved into the idea that I had to pay a pain tax for love. Maybe I wasn’t good enough, if he didn’t have time for me.

As I processed this, By the way I realized my value as a woman had nothing to do with how my father or any man treated me. My value came from me and God, not them.

I’m pretty sure I was in charge of my worth. The more I understood this concept, the more I felt my emotional strings begin to untangle. My worth was determined by me; therefore, Know what, I no longer had to pay

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